Mom: "The dog NEEDS a life preserver! Look, he's little! Our other dogs have big feet, they can p...

Mums boyfriend: I'm going to shoot off in a minute (meaning go home) mum: That's not a very appr...

Talking about different genres of people, like hipster, punk, emo, gangster, prep... Mom: He l...

ME: I've always been into car customization. MOM: Oh like that show ride my pimp? ME: ...?

(During Lent) Dad: Should we go to that vegetarian place for dinner? Mom: No, I'm not in the mo...

Driving with dad passing a cemetary: Dad: you know how many people are dead in there? Me: I dun...

(Me and Grandpa watching informercial on tv) TV: Learn Cindy Crawford's Secret! Grandpa: I knew...

*While driving, my mom looks out the window and sees cows grazing* Mom: Are those beef cows? Da...

Grandma: You're so skinny! Me (a 26 y/o male): Oh... Grandma: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to call ...

Me: Yeah I went on a date with a guy from the air force... Dad: So thats a marine, a navy man, a...

(Nomming on a carrot) Brother: Deeper, deeper, oh yeah! (laughing at me) Me: Shut up! Mom: OH!...

Me: Is it me, or does it seem like the toaster takes longer to pop when you stare at it? Dad: We...

(The day of my wedding rehearsal- My mom is giving me away.) Me- Mom, you can let go. Mom- Nope. ...

(mom calls on phone) me: hellooo? mom: is there anything within' 5feet of you that you can use ...

Dad: Chances are, by the time you're 50, you'll have been attacked by a goose.

[while i was complaining about cramps. btw, being a girl sucks sometimes] Me: Ow. crampscrampscr...

Me: why have you got your hand in inside the chicken? Dad: Its not my hand. Me: O_O

Mom: What happened to [your little son's] other sock? Aunt: He lost it, again! I swear, socks sh...

(Mom is about to go to the store) Me: Can you get me some tampons? Mom: What size do you need? ...

Father "I want you to order this for me first thing tomorrow (Monday). And with fastest shipping....

(after I came out as bi to her) Mum: Yass I have a hip child!

Dad: Are you watching "My Little Pony"? Me: This cartoon is amazing. Leave me alone. Dad: ...It...

(talking about who I'm going to invite to my birthday party" Mom: Why don't you invite that girl...

Me: What's for dinner? Mom: BBQ chicken breasts. Dad: CHICKEN TITS‽

Mom: (to my dad) Why don't you have the dog lick your sack? Dad & Me: WHAT?! Mom: Or whatever y...

Mom: Brad, are you meowing??? Me: Umm...Nope Mom: Oh, okay..

Doctor: We won't put you under, just give you a shot. It'll feel liked you've had about 8 Manhat...

My cousin, who lives with my grandma, came home with a blue mohawk. Grandma: That's very nice de...